thoughts of an insomniac

and unable to sleep i begin to wonder if these thoughts of mine are there for a reason. As a result of recent nightmares i began wondering if maybe I should focus on this dark part of my life. Dark people of which I speak not of. Should I give forgiveness for their wrongs when asked of it frequently, should i refuse because their acts and unbearable unforgiveable? What does forgiveness entail? Surely not a clean slate or a pat on the back saying "its ok no harm done..." when in all truthfulness there is a lifetime of harm taking its toll on my soul... so in this night I ponder this darkness, wondering if maybe my wearabouts are unknown, because lately theres been nothing but bills waiting for me...not a peep from the guilty ones. What are the risks of me granting their request? Do I dare open that door again that I have closed so tightly and guarded with my every being? How long can I hold this back before it consumes me and destroys me? And if I do extend this favor, will it turn out to be a double edged sword? Will it in turn hurt me worse than I've been hurt already? Hopefully I will be granted a sign from the universe upon what path I should take, for this is not a decision to make light of, and I'm afraid it will have to be kept under cover, at least until I see how this unfolds...how can I make this end? So many questions I have but not sure if my answers will be truth or more lies....will I ever understand and be at peace.....not on this night at least...